Examples of Idiocy as Outlined By Dr S. Cooljoke

New to El Secundo Lifo? Heard about the low-life morons who prostitute their brains for 1L$? Wondering how to deal with these bellends? Looking for SecondLife friends and afraid you'll befriend a jeb? Dr S. Cooljoke (Oxbridge of course) is here to help you, if you don't like my advice then you're either a Linden or a complete bell.

So let's begin small shall we nublets? While meandering your way through the sometimes daunting experience that is SecondLife you may have what I like to call "a random encounter". Not the kind you have with a Chinese tourist who needs a cameraman but a SecondLife El Avatar that has decided to throw a comment your way for no "at first" apparent reason.

SC's Awesome Example 01 - [21:37] Daniele Redstar: strip off this bitch...

Why? Why would someone say this to me? Do they genuinally want me to strip? Am I a bitch? No friends this has happened for two possible reasons. 1. The person in question has accidentally typed in open chat instead of IM, this can have embarrassing albeit hilarious consequences. 2. The subject believes they are higher up in the SL social strata than I am, WRONG!

How to deal with it? Ignore it, unless it's a blatant insult at you then either report or in the cases of you funlovers give them a good bit of verbal diahorrea.

But what happens when you call out someone being a twat and another person shouts at YOU! Well let's look at SC's awesome example first off.

SC's awesome example 02 -

[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los Vanjeles!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: LOS VANJELES!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los Vanjeles!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: LOS VANJELES! (This had occurred over 15 times)
[10:04] You: ::You SHUT your mouth when you're talking to me!!!:: (A harmless response)
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: nigg what (blatant racism, bad start for the bellend)
[10:04] You: ...Should I tell people...
[10:04] You: ...That I am good at sex?...
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo spits (now he's getting physical!)
[10:05] Gryff McCallen: alrighty now.... cut it out (thankfully an ally...)
[10:05] You: what the heck
[10:05] Gryff McCallen: Don't insult people here, please.... it can lead to that... (OR NOT!)
[10:06] You: lol
[10:06] You: i wasnt insulting him
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: the whole "shut your mouth" sound was
[10:06] You: that was an accident
[10:06] You: didnt even know i had it (blaters lying but we both knew that)
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: ahuh... heard that before.
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: look... just dont do it again
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: mmkay? (who is this guy?)
[10:07] You: lol
[10:07] You: im not gonna argue bout it i didnt do nething wrong so i wont do nethin wrong agen lol
[10:07] Gryff McCallen: right (<---this one word answer generally means you are intelligent)

So who turned out to be the bigger bellend, Mr Lazlo or Mr McCallen, you decide. But in this situation fellas all you can do is stick up for yourself or tp in your friends list and go to work on them. If you're outnumbered, add some randoms as friends (this will be covered in a later post about how to befriend strangers with lies.)

OK, so what happens when you meet the most low down cock knocking cat rapers of them all? These are the guys who like to IM you out of the blue trying to convince you your SL or RL partner is cheating on you with them, why do they do this? Who knows...too much wanking fucks you up.

SC's Awesome Example 03 -

This is how it will usually begin...play it cool guys, don't let them think you believe it.
[20:08] Sal Cooljoke: excuse me, who do you think you are talking to **** like that?
[20:08] Freaky Clip: im her secret lover, oh she didnt tell you?
[20:08] Sal Cooljoke: no she didnt
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: what you have some proof of this i presume
[20:09] Freaky Clip: maybe cuz its secret?
[20:09] Freaky Clip: :_)
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: lol yeah
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: go on prove it...dare ya ;)

They will occasionally throw in comments like this...

[20:13] Freaky Clip: wait, im talkin to your GF...

[20:10] Freaky Clip: you should tell your GF to stop flirting with me tho

[20:14] Freaky Clip: hey, put a collar on your girl.. maybe you will have control of her one day
[20:14] Freaky Clip: :)

Now start your attack with subtle insults...

[20:26] Sal Cooljoke: ure crayon looking av just turns me on to no end

And how it unfolds...

[20:26] Freaky Clip: lol!
[20:27] Freaky Clip: they say that you always stare between guys legs when you talk to them
[20:27] Freaky Clip: :D
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: you can look forward to being the newest thing on my blog...can we make this an official interview?
[20:27] Freaky Clip: lol sure
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: ok...so srsly...homosexuals on sl, whats it like?
[20:27] Freaky Clip: i dont take things so seriously, i have a 1st life you know :)
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: dont we all young man dont we all
[20:28] Sal Cooljoke: you know for a first life mentor ure a pretty big shit stirrer on sl
[20:29] Freaky Clip: damn still looking in my profile you sneaky dick lover :)
[20:29] Sal Cooljoke: BUSTED!
[20:29] Sal Cooljoke: you got me
[20:30] Freaky Clip: Sal leave your girl @ home and il get you new chicks
[20:30] Freaky Clip: you need to change i think
[20:30] Sal Cooljoke: why
[20:30] Freaky Clip: you turned to gay
[20:31] Freaky Clip: we need to do something about it
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: maybe elsa is a man in rl
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: did you consider this?
[20:31] Freaky Clip: lool
[20:31] Freaky Clip: sorry but im away now :)
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: lol go cry
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: heres a tissue

So don't be afraid to insult people, just keep it subtle and play your cards close to your chest. And if people give you shit, drop your kaks and shit on them twice as much, if all else fails IM myself or Elsa Weatherwax, we're both professionals, myself having been banned uncountable times and Elsa having received death threats. We've also impersonated the SL Police in the past so if you need someone scaring drop us a line. Until next time dickheads.

Sir Dr Mr Cooljoke.

The Lindens - Barons of Deceit

While wending my merry way through Orientation Island observing the usual displays of foul mouthed behaviour and greasy skinned women fighting the wolves off from their long haired crayon man by proclaiming "Look at the tag!?! GOD!" I stumbled across a not so unusual find, long haired goth, swords in hand, breakdancing. To anyone in the real world this would some highly UNusual...but not here in SL, SL if full of perverts, paedophiles and attorneys and some of the things you witness are just downright degrading. Note to the reader, if you'd ever like to understand what I mean by that visit the fantasy rape sim, the screenshots I took there I intend to blackmail several people with indefinately.

Anyway, this breakdancing viking, looking like your typical urban vampire who looks like they've just been outcast from the Nor sim, was in fact dancing to protest against his wife. Let's see what he had to say,

Sal : You sir, I'm from Del Media Cooljoke, you look like a man with an opinion, the swords certainly suggest enough, what are you opinions on the barons of deceit the Lindens?

Phaedrus Thor : Deceit is a very subjective concept...

S : Well I guess so but the way things are deterioating breakdancing in public will be a bannable offence before long, disturbing the SL peace and all that.

PT : I think it would depend upon the context

S : I beg to disagree Mr Thor, have you ever been subjected to the wiles of Linden, for that matter you don't know any do you, I really can't be doing with pissing any more off?

PT : No it's ok your safe...but then does my opinion really hold a basis in fact? Maybe yes, maybe no...

S : Well yeah in truth your opinion could change a lot, I mean the Lindens are praised as high and might "Oh my god they can ban me" but most of them are just regular people not even out of San Fran who just want to step on your hopes and dreams and are just generally assholes.

PT : There is no difference in RL, what a surprise huh? It can't even be changed in this online community, until they can find reason to ban me, I'll keep dancing with my swords. Like I do in RL

S : Well kudos to you, to be honest I'd be terrified of slicing my cock off.

PT : It was a metaphor...and the slicing of the penis is consistent with the metaphor

S : You know it's really nice to get a lack of hostility for a change.

Well said I think, until the Lindens can do anything, I'll keep dancing with my swords. Hey maybe that's the mentality we should all take, let's not do anything until they can? Maybe we should uprise against their ridiculous laws? Maybe this guy was an idiot?

Stay smart, stay in trouble.

Guess who's back? No not the Zambese taxi driver you got sandwiched by in '98 it's Cooljoke!

That's right dickheads, Sal Cooljoke is back from the dead and ready for action. Obviously understand I wasn't so much dead as dead inside. Words to the wise...constant intake of Essex style Indian food can cause stomach ulcers and lead to bowel cancer...so just watch out for Gandhi's revenge!

So where has Cooljoke been, aside from in the labyrinth of Hades for a brief spell. Well after my brief stint as a helicopter pilot at a circus I went on some aid work in India and Africa, went to San Francisco to meet the REAL Lindens, great guys and girls, who enjoy it seems time well spent gorging themselves at Restaurant Gary Danko. You know if you're ever in the area and want to drop in you can usually find them there mulling over banninations and which SL President to set up for a major fall.

But enough about me, let's talk about you! That's right Cooljoke has taken to the streets to really get a feel for the REAL people of El Lifo del Secundo. I've spoken to some wonderful people, really had a "insight" (learnt that word this morning) into what motivates the residents of S to the L to perform the acts they do (scat play, BDSM and bribing). Watch this spot as Cooljoke impersonates an SL police offcer once more to get into the dark infested underbelly of SL, can he infiltrate the most depraved social groups? We'll find out.

So your best mate is a Linden?

Now as much as I enjoy talking about slights on different country's, I am not actually racist, I can take a joke (something a lot of people in SecondLife lack). But I draw the line at serious racism intended to be insulting...



SO



One day as I'm wending my merry way through a Simulator El Secundo I'm suddenly informed that a mate of mine is being subjected to indecent racism of the lowest kind. SAL TO THE RESCUE! I get on my cape and boots and I'm off another do-gooding mission. So I confront the racist and give them some friendly words of advice and I'm given the old usual response,



<---"I KNOW a Linden and he's getting a call!!!" Yeah Yeah Yeah, heeeeaaaard it all before. Seems this time I may have laughed too early as I was subsequently banned less than 30 seconds later. YES 30 seconds. And it was an hour later that I received an email informing me an investigation had gone underway into my banning. Cards on the tables ladies et gents - I got banned BEFORE the investigation? That seems a little strange no? So I collect myself, finish up explaining to the missus and taking an ass kicking and get on writing a ticket to LindenLabs to review my ban. Problem -



1.) Three days later I receive a reply telling me that Basic Account holders cannot ask the specific question of "Why am I banned?" So I go back rephrase it to "My account won't log on". I rub my hands together with childish glee and anticipate a response.

2. "We've reviewed the "investigation", all is in order"



Pull the other one mate, you know, it really pisses me off when someone gets away with SecondLife murder, which we call "orbiting" because they "know" a Linden. Well I met Teddy Sherringham don't see me crying about it.



Example Numero Zwei



One fine winter's day myself and my bride to be were running people over with a Hobo train, my wife isn't banned, someone knew a Linden and I was.



My wife left a rezzed platform on someone's land, she was banned a day, I was banned three days...hmm yes



Seriously Linden Labs employees are more corrupt than a Nigerian police officer. It makes me sick to the bottom of my nacho filled stomach.



Sal's words of enlightening advice - next time someone tells you they know a Linden, tell them so do you.

Ignore the ring - try it.

So while relaxing on one of the many poseballs with the missus -(this can range from anything like a sitting pose to full blown out 69'ing in a cardboard box) - it is not unusual to be approached by (struggles to not use the word noob) a "newer" individual to El Secondo Lifo that has not yet had the indulging experience of burning a hole in their badly texturised trousers. And that doesn't mean buying Gothic thrones and annoying dances, no we're talking good clothes and something that will contribute to upon being first seen, either, "5 days old, really!" or "Armidi is shit go to Muism you fuckin idiot you're so last Tuesday!"

Back to the point -

I spent a lot of time and effort arranging my Second Life marriage and hunting for the perfect ring (I think I asked the whole shop to help me agree on one, team effort ;)) and I'm always very proud to see my Mrs Cooljoke standing there looking pretty with her lovely ring clearly visible on her ring finger -

I re-iterate - CLEARLY VISIBLE

So when a "newcomer" approaches my delicious wife with the hopes of sparking up a date on a scripted swan or some fun with a prim penis I find it highly insulting that they ignore the ring I strived so hard to buy (as if the Mrs Cooljoke tag wasn't enough - it's ok they're usually French and can't be expected to understand my higher plane of intellect).

I think what is more insulting is an IM like this though -

[18.22] SecondLife Cunt: Ring don't mean a thing

^So they even noticed and are trying to backslide me like a slippery eel off a Chinese fish market. Well not today muggins. It's highly amusing to see someone try chat up your missus, while you're both on voice together, for even more laughs, encourage her to play along then jump on voice and lay a torrent of abuse on that good for nothing crayon.

[If the above doesn't amuse you, try making a female avatar and pretending to be lesbians with your wife, then get on voice and bust out a Barry White tone, they'll run like an old drunk with a walking stick]

OAPs Should Be Given ASBO's

That's right, Old Age Pensioners or "old people". In case you don't know, an ASBO is an Anti-Social Behaviour Order given out by the police. If you're thinking "Bless 'em they're old and dithering" you are wrong.

Old people like to use incompetence as a shroud for their evil and satanistic mischiefs. Maybe like me you've sometimes walked down the street and you've been walking on a constant course when...

BANG

Old lady twelve o'clock, just walked straight in front of you and stopped to "go through her handbag". Yeah right, funny how it couldn't have been anyone else she stopped in front of, just a "young person". And what is that anyway? The last time I caught the bus I was sitting in those seats for the elderly and disabled cause there were no others and no old people or disabled, it's fair game right? Well as soon as the first matron of satan stepped onto the bus I kindly offered my seat and that crone from the lower staircase of Hades looked right at me...PRETENDED to ignore me and hobbled on. But not before muttering to her compatriot "Fucking kids today so bloody fucking rude".

<---This typical road sign doesn't event attempt to hide the fact that old people are agents of hell. It even shows them transforming back into human form. And not forgetting, the old woman is clearly a pickpocket.

That's not to mention, have you ever been "accidentally" twatted by an old person's walking stick, yeah they put on a good limp but you get within 2 metres the facade drops and they turn into something from a John Woo film. And the convenience of how slow they are to pay at tills when a young person is behind them, but as soon as that tannoy system blares out that stamps are on offer they fucking race down those aisles.

Not everyone is blind, get your zimmo's cracking before I steal your motorised shopping trolley.

Common Courtesy Is A Myth

One of two things has happened on this rapidly decaying planet, either manners are now a part of history or women have just forgotten how to see the tells. Let's take an example of a scenario I was placed in recently.

While sailing along the headache inducing river we call life I found myself in a position where I'd hold open the door for a woman just because it's common practice. Now one of two things can happen usually.

1. The woman thanks you kindly and you carry on with your day feeling like a top bloke. This is the more preferable option although there is an alternative.

2. The woman says nothing and while feeling fucking mugged off for her rudeness and general cuntish behaviour and having friends tell you you should have "Punched her in the tit" for not saying thank you, you still feel ok because you know you're a decent bloke.

These were the only two outcomes until the other day, when i stumble upon outcome number 3.

3. The woman stands IN the doorway chatting bollocks to her sycophantic friends while you're left standing there like a muppet thinking "Do I tell her to just fucking move?". In the end you either barge your way through or in my case say "If you'd shut your clap trap for two seconds you'd realise you're blocking the fucking door". So now my previous gesture of courtesy has been crushed under the sharpened heel of a stilleto and I'm prone to abuse from a pack of hyenas bloodthirsty to be accepted into the social strata.

From this I have concluded that you should only open doors for women who don't look like they enjoy rolling around in grease and who can talk without screaming.