Examples of Idiocy as Outlined By Dr S. Cooljoke

New to El Secundo Lifo? Heard about the low-life morons who prostitute their brains for 1L$? Wondering how to deal with these bellends? Looking for SecondLife friends and afraid you'll befriend a jeb? Dr S. Cooljoke (Oxbridge of course) is here to help you, if you don't like my advice then you're either a Linden or a complete bell.

So let's begin small shall we nublets? While meandering your way through the sometimes daunting experience that is SecondLife you may have what I like to call "a random encounter". Not the kind you have with a Chinese tourist who needs a cameraman but a SecondLife El Avatar that has decided to throw a comment your way for no "at first" apparent reason.

SC's Awesome Example 01 - [21:37] Daniele Redstar: strip off this bitch...

Why? Why would someone say this to me? Do they genuinally want me to strip? Am I a bitch? No friends this has happened for two possible reasons. 1. The person in question has accidentally typed in open chat instead of IM, this can have embarrassing albeit hilarious consequences. 2. The subject believes they are higher up in the SL social strata than I am, WRONG!

How to deal with it? Ignore it, unless it's a blatant insult at you then either report or in the cases of you funlovers give them a good bit of verbal diahorrea.

But what happens when you call out someone being a twat and another person shouts at YOU! Well let's look at SC's awesome example first off.

SC's awesome example 02 -

[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: Los Vanjeles!
[10:03] Eagle Laszlo: LOS VANJELES!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: Los Vanjeles!
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: LOS VANJELES! (This had occurred over 15 times)
[10:04] You: ::You SHUT your mouth when you're talking to me!!!:: (A harmless response)
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo: nigg what (blatant racism, bad start for the bellend)
[10:04] You: ...Should I tell people...
[10:04] You: ...That I am good at sex?...
[10:04] Eagle Laszlo spits (now he's getting physical!)
[10:05] Gryff McCallen: alrighty now.... cut it out (thankfully an ally...)
[10:05] You: what the heck
[10:05] Gryff McCallen: Don't insult people here, please.... it can lead to that... (OR NOT!)
[10:06] You: lol
[10:06] You: i wasnt insulting him
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: the whole "shut your mouth" sound was
[10:06] You: that was an accident
[10:06] You: didnt even know i had it (blaters lying but we both knew that)
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: ahuh... heard that before.
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: look... just dont do it again
[10:06] Gryff McCallen: mmkay? (who is this guy?)
[10:07] You: lol
[10:07] You: im not gonna argue bout it i didnt do nething wrong so i wont do nethin wrong agen lol
[10:07] Gryff McCallen: right (<---this one word answer generally means you are intelligent)

So who turned out to be the bigger bellend, Mr Lazlo or Mr McCallen, you decide. But in this situation fellas all you can do is stick up for yourself or tp in your friends list and go to work on them. If you're outnumbered, add some randoms as friends (this will be covered in a later post about how to befriend strangers with lies.)

OK, so what happens when you meet the most low down cock knocking cat rapers of them all? These are the guys who like to IM you out of the blue trying to convince you your SL or RL partner is cheating on you with them, why do they do this? Who knows...too much wanking fucks you up.

SC's Awesome Example 03 -

This is how it will usually begin...play it cool guys, don't let them think you believe it.
[20:08] Sal Cooljoke: excuse me, who do you think you are talking to **** like that?
[20:08] Freaky Clip: im her secret lover, oh she didnt tell you?
[20:08] Sal Cooljoke: no she didnt
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: what you have some proof of this i presume
[20:09] Freaky Clip: maybe cuz its secret?
[20:09] Freaky Clip: :_)
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: lol yeah
[20:09] Sal Cooljoke: go on prove it...dare ya ;)

They will occasionally throw in comments like this...

[20:13] Freaky Clip: wait, im talkin to your GF...

[20:10] Freaky Clip: you should tell your GF to stop flirting with me tho

[20:14] Freaky Clip: hey, put a collar on your girl.. maybe you will have control of her one day
[20:14] Freaky Clip: :)

Now start your attack with subtle insults...

[20:26] Sal Cooljoke: ure crayon looking av just turns me on to no end

And how it unfolds...

[20:26] Freaky Clip: lol!
[20:27] Freaky Clip: they say that you always stare between guys legs when you talk to them
[20:27] Freaky Clip: :D
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: you can look forward to being the newest thing on my blog...can we make this an official interview?
[20:27] Freaky Clip: lol sure
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: ok...so srsly...homosexuals on sl, whats it like?
[20:27] Freaky Clip: i dont take things so seriously, i have a 1st life you know :)
[20:27] Sal Cooljoke: dont we all young man dont we all
[20:28] Sal Cooljoke: you know for a first life mentor ure a pretty big shit stirrer on sl
[20:29] Freaky Clip: damn still looking in my profile you sneaky dick lover :)
[20:29] Sal Cooljoke: BUSTED!
[20:29] Sal Cooljoke: you got me
[20:30] Freaky Clip: Sal leave your girl @ home and il get you new chicks
[20:30] Freaky Clip: you need to change i think
[20:30] Sal Cooljoke: why
[20:30] Freaky Clip: you turned to gay
[20:31] Freaky Clip: we need to do something about it
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: maybe elsa is a man in rl
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: did you consider this?
[20:31] Freaky Clip: lool
[20:31] Freaky Clip: sorry but im away now :)
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: lol go cry
[20:31] Sal Cooljoke: heres a tissue

So don't be afraid to insult people, just keep it subtle and play your cards close to your chest. And if people give you shit, drop your kaks and shit on them twice as much, if all else fails IM myself or Elsa Weatherwax, we're both professionals, myself having been banned uncountable times and Elsa having received death threats. We've also impersonated the SL Police in the past so if you need someone scaring drop us a line. Until next time dickheads.

Sir Dr Mr Cooljoke.

The Lindens - Barons of Deceit

While wending my merry way through Orientation Island observing the usual displays of foul mouthed behaviour and greasy skinned women fighting the wolves off from their long haired crayon man by proclaiming "Look at the tag!?! GOD!" I stumbled across a not so unusual find, long haired goth, swords in hand, breakdancing. To anyone in the real world this would some highly UNusual...but not here in SL, SL if full of perverts, paedophiles and attorneys and some of the things you witness are just downright degrading. Note to the reader, if you'd ever like to understand what I mean by that visit the fantasy rape sim, the screenshots I took there I intend to blackmail several people with indefinately.

Anyway, this breakdancing viking, looking like your typical urban vampire who looks like they've just been outcast from the Nor sim, was in fact dancing to protest against his wife. Let's see what he had to say,

Sal : You sir, I'm from Del Media Cooljoke, you look like a man with an opinion, the swords certainly suggest enough, what are you opinions on the barons of deceit the Lindens?

Phaedrus Thor : Deceit is a very subjective concept...

S : Well I guess so but the way things are deterioating breakdancing in public will be a bannable offence before long, disturbing the SL peace and all that.

PT : I think it would depend upon the context

S : I beg to disagree Mr Thor, have you ever been subjected to the wiles of Linden, for that matter you don't know any do you, I really can't be doing with pissing any more off?

PT : No it's ok your safe...but then does my opinion really hold a basis in fact? Maybe yes, maybe no...

S : Well yeah in truth your opinion could change a lot, I mean the Lindens are praised as high and might "Oh my god they can ban me" but most of them are just regular people not even out of San Fran who just want to step on your hopes and dreams and are just generally assholes.

PT : There is no difference in RL, what a surprise huh? It can't even be changed in this online community, until they can find reason to ban me, I'll keep dancing with my swords. Like I do in RL

S : Well kudos to you, to be honest I'd be terrified of slicing my cock off.

PT : It was a metaphor...and the slicing of the penis is consistent with the metaphor

S : You know it's really nice to get a lack of hostility for a change.

Well said I think, until the Lindens can do anything, I'll keep dancing with my swords. Hey maybe that's the mentality we should all take, let's not do anything until they can? Maybe we should uprise against their ridiculous laws? Maybe this guy was an idiot?

Stay smart, stay in trouble.

Guess who's back? No not the Zambese taxi driver you got sandwiched by in '98 it's Cooljoke!

That's right dickheads, Sal Cooljoke is back from the dead and ready for action. Obviously understand I wasn't so much dead as dead inside. Words to the wise...constant intake of Essex style Indian food can cause stomach ulcers and lead to bowel cancer...so just watch out for Gandhi's revenge!

So where has Cooljoke been, aside from in the labyrinth of Hades for a brief spell. Well after my brief stint as a helicopter pilot at a circus I went on some aid work in India and Africa, went to San Francisco to meet the REAL Lindens, great guys and girls, who enjoy it seems time well spent gorging themselves at Restaurant Gary Danko. You know if you're ever in the area and want to drop in you can usually find them there mulling over banninations and which SL President to set up for a major fall.

But enough about me, let's talk about you! That's right Cooljoke has taken to the streets to really get a feel for the REAL people of El Lifo del Secundo. I've spoken to some wonderful people, really had a "insight" (learnt that word this morning) into what motivates the residents of S to the L to perform the acts they do (scat play, BDSM and bribing). Watch this spot as Cooljoke impersonates an SL police offcer once more to get into the dark infested underbelly of SL, can he infiltrate the most depraved social groups? We'll find out.